If Everything is Valid, then Nothing is
If the next person who says “that’s valid” conspicuously disappears next week, don’t blame me. It’s their own fault for taking out the last fragments of my hope for the future of this universe.
Suddenly everybody is saying “that’s valid” and “that’s fair” as if with enough repetitions, the ghost of their past dignity may suddenly appear in the window and tell them that yes, mother loves you. Like some kind of prayer chant, everyone in unison, to represent a collective whine of “please accept me.”
Hold on. Actually, that would not be so bad. At least then it would mean something. The problem is, I doubt that this particular phrase is actually representative of the zeitgeist. If enough people are saying the same thing, then there is a chance it is awesome. Such as, for example, the current sweep of every American saying “Go watch Tiger King.” But there is also the chance that everybody is saying it because it is a cached response they heard from somewhere else. Something fed from above. Something unnatural and thoughtless and boring.
It’s not that I have a personal problem with things that are thoughtless and boring. Mechanistic processes have a point. If you had to think all the time, you would die. The problem is that these two particular cached responses usually come at a time when your conversation partner actually said something that is the complete opposite of cached. Something open and soulful and soft. And you—my friend—with your “that’s valid,” just killed their moment of emotional openness before they even started. They opened up, and you set up a block.
That’s the real tragedy of it. In your attempt to be supportive, you actually fail to do the work of actually holding space for your person.
“How are you doing?”
“Not so great. My father just let his cow loose for 15 minutes, and it caused a car accident. I’m now at the police station filing paperwork.”
“Okay yeah that’s valid.”
WHAT? How is that an answer? A cow could have killed somebody. How is that conveying any actual feelings? If anything, you are shutting down your feelings more than usual, you heartless prick.
“That’s valid.” Who ever said it was invalid? Is this a test? Are you testing me? “That’s valid” only works in a confrontational setting. It would be fine if we were at dinner and I told you that I want to make the biggest scene possible, alternating between aggressive shouting and cold negotiated discussions to build suspense. Then you may be onto something.
“Please. Sit down. You are making a scene.”
“That’s exactly what you want me to do, isn’t it? You always want to stir me up.”
“That may be valid. But please. Have a seat.”
If everybody was LARPING as Mr. and Mrs. Smith, that would be something interesting. But everybody is just LARPING as reasonable James Bond, Mr. Cool, completely in control of their completely valid and appropriate emotions.
Which would also be fine, if it were in any way true. If I had a more exorbitant sense of humor, I would go around poking them—but this is not necessary because the world has already poked them enough, and the results are in. People are not staying cool. “That’s valid” is another manifestation of not just the unhealthy covering of feelings, but the desire not to feel period.
And that’s why I don’t say it. Call me old fashioned or strange, but if somebody opens up to me, I will make an effort to feel something. Or at least, I will do something more than playing forever-arbiter of what is or is not appropriate for a person’s internal affect to be. “Ah yes. Your feelings are valid. You have passed my test.”